Month 3 - Week 1 - Day 6: Late Shifts Suck

Worked the closing shift at the retail job tonight. I love getting home at 12:30am. It's so much fun. Can you feel the sarcasm? The late shift does not help my insomnia at all. Bright lights for hours and hours, and then I come home, and my brain has to quickly switch to sleep mode. Yeah, nope. Where are my sleeping pills? Even with the pills, it's a good hour before they really kick in, and I turn into a sleep zombie.

Oh well.

Had a good chat with my health coach today. My pain level is back to normal (no more TRAPS symptoms). Two shots in and I'm feeling healthy again. My energy level is also normal, no more excessive tiredness.

I'm still trying to frantically put together my portfolio for the big conference that starts in just over a week. I would like to believe that I would have gotten more work done the last few days, except I've been helping with the baby niece (and today the big girl niece. I took her to the park.). Baby is cute, but still hates the bottle, so she cries... a lot. We have to drive to my sister's work every few hours so that she can feed baby.

Emotions are still stable. I remember the first few weeks on the plan. I was a mess. The first month really was me feeling emotions that I'd been suppressing with food, and not really sure what to do with all the new feels that I was feeling.

Lately, I'm just feeling a bit anxious and stressed. I'm working a retail job because I need some money coming in, but I hate being there most of the time. I want a job in the industry that I've been working towards, just a foot-in-the-door job. I don't expect to make a big salary or have the top title, but a newbie job would be nice. I'm having trouble finding places to apply to because they either want more experience than I have or a different skillset than I have. I'm praying that all the time and money I'm putting into this portfolio will help me when I'm networking at the conference, but I'm scared it won't make a difference.

I'm applying for this PHD that I want and have wanted for a very long time. I'm scared that I'm not smart enough to get into the program, or that I'll get in and not be smart enough to handle the workload.

I'm struggling with my manuscript again. I'm not happy with where its at, and know that I need to do some major revisions and write about 30,000 more words.

I think the retail job, the lack of industry job, the PHD, and the manuscript are all-together stressing me out, and I'm allowing self-doubt to make me feel like I don't have a job because I'm somehow not good enough, or not smart enough. The same for the PHD and the manuscript.

Some days, I feel confident and in control. Other days, I feel stupid and insecure. I guess that's life. The important thing is that I don't let the bad days out number the good days. And when I'm having a bad day, I need to reach out to my health coach or my friend, and talk out my problems.

Today was the health coach. Monday, I have a writing date with the friend (she's always good at sorting me out.)

That's it for now.

Lean and Green - Bison Patty and a pickle with broccoli and cabbage in a balsamic dressing