Some days (most days), I really struggle with believing all that. I think, "They're just being nice" or "They're only saying that because we're friends." I look in the mirror, and I might be able to manage an "I'm at least kinda pretty" or a "Well, I know I'm not hideous", but I don't think I've ever felt beautiful... not really, or not for long. A few times, when a few certain people have told me, I have felt beautiful because they seem to think that I am. They don't even have to say "You're beautiful." In fact, it's the times they haven't said it literally that I've felt beauty and peace in my deep soul.
A simple "I'm so glad I met you and have you in my life" from a friend so beloved by my heart, but that I hadn't known existed a week before.
The time in high school, at a friend's birthday party, when I had a moment out of time with a boy. We never dated, we never even kissed. But we cuddled. There on the couch, we made a connection. So innocent, as he laid back, his head against my chest, listening to my heartbeat. My hand in his hair. With our mutual friends, goofing off around us, we sat together, and gave each other dearly needed peace. When my home life is going to hell around me, and I feel jaded, I think back on that stolen moment, and tell myself to hold on until I can find someone who gives me that sense of peace all of the time.
When I made a comment on twitter about carrying my niece to bed to take a nap, and then commented that I wished someone would pick me up and carry me to bed for naptime. A minute late, I got a response..."If someone picked you up and carried you off to bed, it wouldn't be to nap." You know who you are (though the chances that you will ever read this blog are slim). I never told you how hard I laughed (in a good way), and blushed. I even spoke aloud, as though you could hear me across the miles that separated us, telling you that "You were good for my soul." And all this time later, you still are good for my soul.
And Anna (you read my posts so I'm pointing at you now) who is there for my daily writer's check-in's, but never judges me when I haven't written anything, because you understand me and what I'm going through.
I'm so proud of how honest you are on your blog. And how mature you're being in how you analyze your emotions and your responses as you transition onto this diet. For the most part you've been great about celebrating your successes and forgiving your mistakes. Only thing I wanted to comment on: when you set a writing goal and then don't hit it- you double that goal for the next day, and then get frustrated that you still didn't do it. Instead of upping your goal, lower or maintain the same goal. (ie, you went from 500 to 1000, when you might have felt more able to fulfill the goal if it were still 500 or only 250- which is a small goal but still better than 0).Thank you, Anna, for understanding that it's still hard for me to deal with this diet, and for being willing to meet me at the library instead, and for pointing out that I get frustrated when I don't make my goals then proceed to set myself up for failure for the next day's goal. I hadn't really been aware that I was doing that, so now that I know, I can work at not doing that to myself... theoretically.
I'm really proud of you for making such big changes in your life this year and setting such wonderful goals for yourself.If [local coffee house] will be too much of a temptation to work at on Thursday we can meet at a library instead. Let me know which you'd prefer.
I've spent so much time using food as emotional novocaine, so that I wouldn't have to feel the negative emotions. Only I still felt them. Instead of dealing with them, I bottled them up until they burst to the surface. I know learning to have a healthy relationship won't fix my emotional issues, but it's a good first step.
Today's Lean and Green -Tri tip steak and roasted yellow squash and zucchini
0 comments:
Post a Comment