Day 7: Give me the Pizza and no one gets hurt!

I was supposed to work a closing shift last night, but 2 hours in, I bent (with my knees mind you!) to pick up a book and felt something in my right butt-side tweak. The pain didn't go away, and my work would up sending me to the local emergency room where I was diagnosed with sciatica.

Today, there are all kinds of posts from my friends about how great the residency for the MFA program is going. I had emailed a guy about a craigslist job posting, play test a game for one hour and get paid $100. I played, emailed the guy back, and got an auto-response of the exact same email he first sent me. Went back to craigslist, and someone posted that they also tried this... When all is said and down it's looking like a fake post. I'm just so emotionally exhausted that I don't feel like caring about my diet.

I want something unhealthy and tasty to eat. Like pizza, or a bag of popcorn. I want to eat it an wallow in self-pity. I want the grease and carbs to distract me. Instead, I'm writing this post trying to remember that I want to stick with the plan to see if my TRAPS Syndrome symptoms go away, to fix back into my size 10 jeans, to lose weight so that my asthma doesn't bother me when I try to run, to lose weight so that I can start running again, but all I want right now, in this moment, is to eat off plan.'

Part of me wants to hop on the scale and see if I've lost even a few pounds. Part of me says to wait to tomorrow morning, after I've gone to the bathroom and before I eat. Part of me doesn't want to step on the scale, not even tomorrow morning, because I don't feel any different and I don't want to see that I haven't lost any weight. I don't want the scale to remain unchanged. I don't want to have gone through all this work, and emotional struggle for nothing.

Part of me knows that it's not for nothing, and that when I step on the scale tomorrow, it won't say 160lbs, that it will be less. That part of me knows that I need to stick with the plan, that one week is done, and that there are three weeks left.

Part of me is angry. Angry that every other commercial on TV is about fast food, or food items in the grocery store. That part is angry that the food looks so yummy, so quick and easy, that the people look so happy and fulfilled because they have that food in their life. That part of me knows the commercials are liars. Those people are actors, the food never looks that good in real life, and the commercials don't say that that pizza or hamburger is more than half of the daily calories a person should eat.

It feels like everyday I have a different emotion that this diet forces me to confront. Apparently, today is anger. Anger that I have to work two jobs. Anger that I'm in debt because of my student loans. Anger that the quick, easy, tasty food on TV is not healthy. Anger that I let myself get overweight...again. Anger that I'm not in Pennsylvania with my friends, having an amazing week. Anger that I might not be able to go home to see them in June. Anger that people post fake job postings. Anger that I can't have pizza.

When I started this post, I was honestly ready to say "Screw it, I'm eating what I want so I'm going to get a pizza!" I still want a pizza, but I feel in control again. I'm going to go to the kitchen and make a Lean and Green meal, I might attempt fish. After I eat, I'll try to write on that short story I've been avoiding. I may pull out my spinning wheel after that. What I won't do is eat pizza or pop a bag of popcorn.